5 Spells From RPGs I Want IRL And The Havoc I’d Cause With Them
When you think of magic in RPGs, there are no limits except your imagination. From planet-destroying meteors to miraculous cure-alls, mages and casters in these video games sure have some of the best powers going.
Now take those immense powers and bring them to the real world. A sadist with fire at their fingertips is a threat to society, a healer who can expunge disease with a wave of their hand is a miracle worker, and a video game journalist with access to any of it is a total nuisance. It's me. I'm that last one. Here are the spells I wish I could cast.
5 Jewel – Final Fantasy 9
Jewel is a rarely talked about spell from Final Fantasy 9 that goes rather unnoticed. It's a simple one that isn't very useful – it only serves to extract an Ore from an enemy in battle, and Ores are quite common by the time you get the spell. Poor Eiko.
Imagine having that sort of power in real-life, though. That's infinite ore. I don't even care what type of ore it is; I want it. I'd like to say I'd use it to make artisan crafts or something equally as wholesome, but that's not true. I'd use it to destabilize the ore market (should such a thing exist) and become an ore baron.
4 Restore Fatigue – The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion
Video games are an escape, right? And fantasy games even moreso – you get to live out your wildest fantasies fighting monsters, owning property, and not being tired when you wake up. When I first came across the Restore Fatigue spell effect in Oblivion, I chuckled to myself. Then I got sad.
I'd give anything to be able to snap my fingers and erase my fatigue. Being alert and fully awake? Those feelings start to abandon you once you're over the hill of 25. Restore Fatigue is a dream spell.
That said, I can't say I'd be very responsible with it. I'd probably just use it to stay up all night playing video games and eating takeaway food. In other words, I'd use it to regress to my teenage years.
3 Mind Read – Golden Sun
Oh gosh, how I'd love to be able to read minds. Isaac and co. use this Jupiter-aligned power in the Golden Sun games to acquire leads, learn hints, and discover more about the world.
True mind-reading would wreak havoc in the real world. Relationships would crash and burn, poker night would get messy, and deeply held secrets would spill into the ether.
I'd use it to tell whether my partner really does like my baking or if he's just being polite. A guy can get insecure about these things.
2 Rejection – Elden Ring
We all like our personal space, and I'd wager that the majority of us have huge problems with our personal space being invaded. Enter Elden Ring and the useful Rejection incantation. A few words hushed in anger under your breath, and a ring of force explodes out of you, pushing those nasty space invaders away.
While it's mostly useful for pushing enemies off of high ledges and cliffs in Elden Ring, I'd use it to get a table seat to myself on the train. Either that or pushing my way forwards to the front of the crowd at a gig.
1 Message – Dungeons & Dragons
The message spell was the impetus for writing this whole list. It is a cantrip from Dungeons and Dragons that lets you point at a person nearby and whisper something. The words whispered will appear in the head of whoever you point at.
Imagine the pranks you could play with that. Mean-spirited though they would be, it would be quite funny watching someone swat at some invisible bee, all while whispering a soft buzzing sound under your breath. Alternatively, subtly suggesting to the waiter that the nice group they just took an order from totally deserves a free pitcher of cocktails.
However, the best feature of Message is that the recipient may send a message back if they know to whisper in response. You could use this for myriad reasons, such as planning a surprise party with the surprisee right there in the room or trade test answers during an exam. The possibilities are endless.
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