Let’s All Point And Laugh At The Rubbish NFT Console

I’m really not sure why NFT people want to get into gaming. Sure, gaming is a highly profitable industry with a huge and often impressionable marketplace and is already indelibly linked to advancements in technology… okay, I see exactly why NFT people want to get into gaming. But gaming is such an incredibly difficult thing to get right that I’m struggling to understand crypto’s obsession with the medium. Now there’s a crypto console, the Polium One, and I’m not sure how all of these people who are smart enough to make millions of pictures of ugly monkeys can be stupid enough to get everything so wrong.

Breaking into gaming via the console racket is extremely difficult. Microsoft muscled in only through operating at a loss for years. Google and Amazon, the two kings of capitalism, both failed. An NFT console is just about the stupidest pitch I can imagine. A console made of cheese that runs games made of strawberries sounds like a better idea. Every time an NFT bro talks about taking a gun from Call of Duty and dropping it in Fortnite, it not only sounds incredibly boring, it also shows a complete misunderstanding for how game engines work and communicate with assets, not to mention a lack of appreciation for artstyle. It’s like that scene in Inception where Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a gun, and Tom Hardy tells him “you mustn’t be afraid of dreaming a little bigger darling,” and then produces… a slightly different gun.

Of course, that’s no surprise. There is zero creativity in the NFT game, and that’s because they’re all out to make a quick buck. Grit, the terrible NFT game supposed to blow our minds (but is really the thinnest Red Dead knock off with a Fortnite palette oh and also it looks garbage) gave away a talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before horse which was actually just a Unity asset. This new NFT console’s logo is just the GameCube logo with a tiny tweak. All of the apes look the same.

There is a version of the future where the NFT people get things right. Digital ownership, in some form, will likely be a bigger part of our lives as the years go on. We already use digital money for most major purchases and a lot of minor ones, so some form of crypto currency might well become the norm. We have always outgrown and improved our technological infrastructure, so a new version of the internet may emerge. However, I don’t think the charge will be led by monkey salesmen.

This console claims it will be ready in 2024, when presumably we’ll all be driving through Elon Musk’s underground tunnels in order to go pick them up. There is almost no chance this console even launches, and less that it will by 2024 with its current promises. The Polium One will be more powerful than the PS5 and the Xbox Series X, except it definitely won’t, will have a controller more advanced than the DualSense, except it definitely won’t, and will have a special wallet button so you can keep pouring your money into crypto pyramid schemes, which yes, it definitely definitely will. Taking money from crypto bros is so easy that building a whole console for it is absurd. You could just charge $50,000 for a doodle of a lamb with a baseball cap and covert Nazi imagery and you’d get a sucker to buy it like their funging life depends on it. Making a whole console to do it feels like leaping to Wile E. Coyote lengths.

There are no specs for the console beyond vaguely promising 8K, no games (Axie Infinity and Grit feature in online mock-ups of the console’s interface, but neither are confirmed yet), and maybe not even a company. Besides the console’s website and a Discord channel, there is no information on who or what Polium even is. Pre-orders, of course, are available though. Even more of course, you pre-order through an NFT minting process. If you believe this console is real, I have a non-fungible picture of a bridge to sell you.

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