When Did Pokemon Get So Darn Hot?
This is a topic my colleague Eric Switzer and I were discussing the other day – on a purely academic level, you understand. Eric mentioned how Dragonite was changing the game in Pokemon Unite, then decided – out of nowhere! – to razz me about the copious articles I have written about Tsareena. Two, dear reader. I have written two. But make no mistake, Tsareena is an undeniably sexy Pokemon, and that prompted this investigation.
My love of Tsareena does come from its inherent sexiness, but not because of any weird impulse to physically enjoy this sexiness. Wow, that was a weird way to write ‘masturbate’ wasn’t it? Anyway, it’s not out of attraction or desire to buy a body pillow, I just think it’s badass that there’s a Pokemon walking around in stripper heels who openly tells her opponents “I’m gonna step on you… and I don’t care if you like it!”
Related: I'm Bored Of Pokemon Not Having Voice Actors NowThis is not just in praise of Tsareena, however. As Eric would point out only too quickly, I already have other articles which do that. Instead, this is a very real investigation into the phenomenon that is sexy Pokemon, and an attempt to track how we got from a lil frog with a sprig of garlic on its back to the dommy mommy herself.
Let’s start with Gen 1. There’s no overtly sexy Pokemon in Gen 1. There's Jynx, with long blonde hair and plump pink lips, but she's basically a purple lump in a wig. She's Ra'Jah O'Hara on a bad day. If Jynx is sexy, Mr. Mime is Chris Hemsworth. Gen 2 then has nothing you could remotely call sexy. Gen 3 is where things take a step up. This starts the trend of introducing sexy Pokemon every year, with the precursor to Tsareena – Gardevoir. Garde has 13,029 pieces of art on a certain popular r34 website. Please don't ask me how I know this. Tsareena? 535. Tsareena might be more overtly sexy, but nothing compares to the original.
Gen 4 brings Lopunny, which has 6,394 pieces of art. My dudes, it's a bunny rabbit. Speaking as a connoisseur, I don't think Gen 5 has any particularly sexy Pokemon, but it does have a lot of feminine Pokemon aimed at appealing to the r34 crowd. Audino, which is basically just a cute lil piggy, has 843 pieces of r34. 300 more than Tsareena. What the actual fuck, guys? It's a pig. Meloetta, the sexiest Mythical, has 1,015. Lilligant? 363. Gothitelle? 354, which seems low to be honest. Eelektross, for the record, has 122, so there is no god.
Gen 6 is largely similar, except it has the huge fetish bait of Goodra, which brings with it 2,985 pieces of art. Still way off Gardevoir's impossible numbers, but a respectable third place. I don't really want to defend Tsareena artists too much here, but why is a slug dragon covered in goo getting six times as many pieces of fan art?
Gen 7 gives us our first sexy starter, with 910 pieces of Primarina… wait, what? Delphox has 2,160?! Jeez. Come on, guys. Issa fox. Salazzle is predictably popular, with 2,117, while Gen 7 also gives us Tsareena, of course. Following that, Gen 8 is fairly new and perhaps has not had time to accrue terminal velocity when it comes to fan art, but still brings 147 for Indeedee, 698 for Hatterene, 181 for Alcremie (what the fuck), and 2,313 for a very twinky Cinderace.
So, what have we learned here? I, for one, have seen many, many things that I cannot unsee. Eggs seem disproportionately popular amongst these artists. We've also learned that despite Tsareena being the sexy Pokemon, she is lagging way behind several competitors, while Gardevoir is still on top. And underneath. And basically everywhere, with 13,029 pieces, I assume every conceivable scenario has been covered.
The answer to the question is that Pokemon have been sexy since Gen 3, and they've never been as sexy again, despite repeatedly chasing that high. Clearly, the Grass starter for Gen 9 needs to be a curvaceous motherly figure covered in fur, goo, with bunny ears and wearing stripper boots. Seems like a guaranteed formula for success.
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